Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Are you willing? Am I?

I can't sleep.... I should be sleeping but I can't.  My mind is just too full.  I need to process.  I feel as though God is testing me today. Not in patience, not in understanding, not in wisdom but in willingness.  He's been giving me dreams, giving me little prompts and calling me to action.  All day, all week actually my mind has just been full.. people I need to be thinking of, things I should be doing....  These people, these things... I'd never think of on my own.  I'm just too human for that.  God has put these people, these places, these things on my heart.  He's asking a question... Are you willing?   And I ask my self.  Am I?   What if he asks me to do something that's so totally terrifying to me.

 If you know me, then you know that I have a hard time putting my feelings into words, and an even harder time putting them into action.  I have this shyness about me that I just can't seem to kick.  Something is always holding me back from being more loving, being more kind.   Am I willing to do what He asks me to do???  Sure as long as it doesn't require me to speak in front of people, to put myself out there or even to introduce myself to someone I don't know.  Is that even being willing?  I get the feeling that it's not.  That's being scared, that's being full of fear.  That's not who He's calling me to be.  That's not who I want to be. 
Who do I want to be?  I want to be the kind of person that just loves on people unabashedly.. with reckless abandon... no fear...   God put a big thing on my heart today.. Not something that I feel I can share publicly but in order to do what I think he's asking me to do... It's going to call for some reckless abandon.  And so here's that question again.  Am I willing?  Am I willing to do what I feel God is asking me to do? 

I've been reading some books... and some blogs... funny how the books and blogs I've chosen to read lately have the same theme... stepping out.  Doing something extraordinary. Show compassion. Being everything I know that is inside of me waiting to burst out.  It hasn't been on purpose.. it seems as though these books, these blogs have just placed in my lap.  Probably more prompting by the Spirit.  And I've felt convicted by them.  I've spent too many years letting my fears rob me of blessing.  No more....

If you are still reading this... thank you for bearing with me through my rambling.  I've needed to get this off my chest. I think I can probably sleep now.  I'd appreciate if you know my God, could you please pray for me. I suspect that this new journey is not going to be easy.  No one ever said that living fully for God would be. 

But that said...  I'm willing.... Scared.... but willing..... 

I read a prayer tonight that just hit me to my core.  It's what I've been praying for weeks now.  I want to leave it with you.  It's from a book called "Outlive your Life" by Max Lucado.

Heavenly Father, every breath is a gift from your hand.  Even so, I confess that sometimes my own hand remains tightly closed when I encounter the needs of others.  Please open both my hand and my heart that I might learn to open my door to others.  As you help me open my heart and hand, O Lord, I ask that you also prompt me to open my life to those who need a taste of your love and bounty.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

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